“Mrs. DeBose, can you tell me what happened this morning?”
I began telling the emergency room doctor what happened earlier that morning. He sat across from me and listened intently. After I finished speaking, he started explaining what happened to my husband in the ambulance. His words were clear, but my brain started moving faster than his words. The more he talked, the more I faded from a peaceful assurance to anxiety. My mind raced to the end of his sentences before he finished speaking. What was he saying? What was he getting at?
“I’m so sorry to tell you but your husband is dead.”
Chris and I were introduced to each other at a wedding reception. The bride was a family friend, who’d known me since I was a teenager. The groom was his brother. Little did we know, God would take us on a journey that neither of us expected. We attempted to date more than once but couldn’t figure out how to do it God’s way. We both loved God, but our past relationship failures kept us from fully submitting to God and learning to trust Him with our hearts. Our love story is filled with pride, humility, surrender, trust, and reconciliation. God took two people with past relationship struggles and transformed us into a loving husband and wife. We both learned how to allow God to work in our hearts. Six years after we met, we were married.
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“Did this doctor just tell me my husband is dead?”
Tears and sobs escaped my soul like water breaking through a dam. My mind was flooded with confusion because surely, he’d make it home from the hospital like he’d done every other time. But this time, he didn’t. My heart was shattered but shock wouldn’t let me feel anything. We were on vacation, a trip he’d looked forward to all year. How was I supposed to go back home without my husband? How was I supposed to call my stepson and tell him his father was gone? How was I supposed to leave this waiting room and go tell my kids the man they came to love as their own father was dead? How?
In the days and weeks after, I moved through heaviness and grief that I’d never known. Anger, fear, sleepless nights, and bitterness threatened to keep me captive. The temptation to resort back to my old self was ever-present. The world was moving, but I was stuck in time with a broken heart and was about to become unglued.
“Don’t mourn what you lost. Celebrate what you had.”
God whispered those words in my spirit, but I didn’t obey. I was angry and I wanted to hold on to that anger. I moved through more days and weeks weighed down by loneliness and immovable sadness resting in my soul. I couldn’t see myself celebrating anything.
“Don’t mourn what you lost. Celebrate what you had. “
He said it again. I was badly hurt so how could I celebrate? What did that look like? I didn’t quite know but I yielded and submitted to His voice. With the next mournful thought, I chose to celebrate. I shifted my mind to think on all the great things I had with my husband. I remembered his thoughtful, kind nature. I celebrated the way he honored me. I thought of how tender he was with me. When I consistently did this, something in me broke! It felt like a small ray of sunshine poking through a huge room of darkness. From that moment forward I became intentional about remembering our great times together, all that God did for us, and the wonderful husband I had. While I still have moments of sadness here and there, I’m overwhelmingly in a better place. I made a choice to trust God with my heart once again. I’m learning that God is close to me as He promised in Psalms 34:18. He’s keeping me in perfect peace as I keep my mind on Him! (Isaiah 26:3).
My healing continues daily as I walk through this new season of life as a widow. I can rest my heart, my emotions and my life on God’s promise in Psalms 68:5 as a defender of this widow. No matter who or what you’ve lost, don’t endure the pain alone. In every season of life, we learn new ways of what trusting Him looks like. In times of loss, it’s especially important to remember that the loss didn’t catch Him by surprise. He’s already made provision for your care, your comfort and your restoration. I encourage you to let Him be the lifter of your head (Psalms 3:3) and the mender of your heart. No matter the weight of a thing, His love upholds anything. Be Encouraged!
Tamara DeBose enjoys encouraging others through writing. She has weathered many of life’s challenges. It is her desire to remind others to never give up on Jesus and His love. She resides in Florida with her children and grandchildren.